Reading.....

I want to be a writer. I read books by Francine Rivers and J.K Rowling and I am amazed at their level of writing. I have read a whole lot of books and for me these two women stand out! They write with so much passion and so much detail! When I first read Harry Potter, my thoughts were not on the magic but on the detail in the book. There is so much detail in those books that it feels like you are there, in the same room or place. It is amazing!!! The names, the places, the magic.... It is so full, it doesn't leave room for you to fill in any blanks, the blanks are already filled in for you.
Then there is Francine :-). A woman whose writing never ceases to bring me closer to the Lord. Yes, she writes fiction, but its almost as if she was writing a real life story. The detail is amazing, the experience and connection with God is so real. God flows and talks to you right there and then, throughout the entire book! How amazing is that?
I want to write like Francine.

I read somewhere that to be a good writer you need to read a lot. I used to read a lot, now I am in that confused state :-(. I can't find anything inspiring to read, I buy books thinking I will read them and then when I get home and I open them, the writing is so plain and not so inspiring. It feels like I have more to say and write about than the writers themselves. I want to sit down and start writing, I haven't found my inspiration yet but I am getting there.

Emotions :-(

I have very few things that upset me in life, but when they do upset me, I really get upset. As a child I sort of realised that when I talk about the things that upset me, people tended to get hurt and upset but they don't necessarily consider the reason I am upset. People would say I like to blow up which I didn't, I mean how can anyone like blowing up? It made me so sad because I rarely expressed my feelings and no one really knew me, what I liked and what I didn't like. I was taken for granted a lot because people assumed they knew and for some reason no one bothered to find out who I was and what I wanted. That hurt but I figured people preferred a quiet me to a verbal me.
Even now I find I have very few things that upset me, I have tried to discuss them but even now I still feel misunderstood. I am not asking for a lot, I thought that once I grew older and crossed a certain stage then I would be free to be myself and be accepted for who I am :-(. Sadly that is not the case. To keep the peace and to ensure happiness, I find that I have to keep my feelings bottled up inside me and pray I don't boil up or I don't give up on myself or on life. I think yesterday was one of the saddest days of my life :-(. I just pray and hope that I can keep quiet and keep my feelings locked up or written down somewhere for it seems I keep saying all the wrong things or saying things that are not attended to.

Monday errands

Today was a hectic day. To start off with, one of my contacts 'broke' Saturday night and I had to drive almost blind the whole weekend. So first thing on my agenda for Monday morning was Optician. I had a number of things I had wanted to do, but my mum had a long list as well so I decided to cut my list in half so I could get her stuff done. I woke up sad, frustrated and weepy and decided to start my day an hour later, fortunately I had put everything down in my calendar so I knew exactly what needed to get done. I went to get my dress, but the tailor wasn't done yet so I went to get the contacts (over the counter), in South Africa you need a prescription while in Botswana all you need is to know the lens strength:-). Then I went to the pharmacy next door and got my family planning pills, :-) still without a prescription unlike in South Africa. Then next door again to Exclusive Books where I spent P200, instead of my P100 budget. Then I decided to get myself a pair of shoes, thought they would cheer me up a bit but they failed dismally :-(. After which it was an hour before my lunch appointment so I decided to run another quick errand. I ran a couple more errands after lunch but I am glad that I was able to successfully complete every single one of them. My sister called just before lunch with a task she was supposed to have prioritised and where normally I would have dropped everything to help. I decided that I was too overwhelmed to take on her task. Yes it was important, but I also had lots of important things to do and I figure its time my sister started taking things a bit more seriously.

Still feeling saddish, but with time I will be ok. Right now, I am just there.......

Phakalane Church Fundraiser

I went to Phakalane Church fundraiser this afternoon. There were not that many people but P69, 000 was raised which is amazing given there were less than 20 people there. Yes, some people sent through their contributions, but P69K was impressive.


The Pastor read from Psalms 46. He read a couple of verses:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof

The highlight was in verse 10: Be still, and know that I am God!!!

The way he explained it was that Be still in the original language means to relax, not to fret. Whatever you may be facing, whatever might be going on in your life, regardless of how big or hopeless it may seem, God is in control. Don't try to help him, after all, He is GOD!! Just stand still and let him carry you through it. It was inspiring to me because I fret and stress about even the little things and end up not enjoying the life that God has blessed me with.

Just a thought

I know the world preaches that you need to blow your own horn, preach and tell all how good you are at things. But isn't that being proud as well? I have listened as my friends talk about all the good things they are doing for the Lord, about how people said they were blessed or happy with their work and it always makes me wonder, is the Lord happy with such work? Whatever happened to working for the Lord and not expecting praise? Why do people like praising themselves? Surely if you are working for the Lord then the Lord should be the one praising you, not you praising yourself....
I am just tired of people running around doing things so that they can be praised and get recognition, whatever happened to self dying so that Christ can live in us? Whatever happened to lifting up Christ and letting him do the work of drawing saints?

Today.......

Today I am feeling lost! I did not have a bad dream, I haven't been sleeping well because of my low iron levels, but I don't think that is the reason I am feeling low.
I can't place my finger on it or on the reason why, but I am just feeling sad and very low.
One of my contacts broke last night and I don't have spares on me :-( as I am at my parents place in Phakalane and getting them in Gabs isn't the simplest of tasks. Plus it is a weekend and the optician opens on Monday! I have lots of places to go and tonnes to do before Tuesday as that is the day we are expected to go home to Jackalas. Just feeling overwhelmed and not in control and that makes me want to curl up and hide from everything and everyone.
:-( I cant see without my contacts, how am I going to get around :-(?
I think I should take deep breaths in and out and get out of bed!!!!!

Day of rest: Sabbath

The Sabbath is a day of rest, created for us to be able to rest and unwind after a hectic week. It is more that just a day to get together with friends and talk about stuff. Its for us as individuals to rest in the Lord, to sit back, go to the Lord's feet and just listen to him. To lay all our burdens down and just forget about all the stressors out there. More often than not however, we use the Sabbath as a day to show how 'holy' we are, it becomes a day that we use to show each other how much more we love the Lord by coming early and chastising those that come late, I am not saying people should come late, but we are all different and have been dealt different cards in life. You may not have problems but some people are struggling to get by and to get through. Church should be a place of rest and refuge, not a war room. The Sabbath should be a day of rest, on this day, I would like to hear sweet words of how Christ loves me and died for me. On this day I want to hear that regardless of what I am going through, Christ will cover me and come through for me. On this day, I want to be reminded that the battle is not mine but the Lords.
I might not be able to go to church every Sabbath, I do not expect to be stoned for it. Sabbath rest to me does not mean going to church every Sabbath. The God I serve meets me at my point of need, not only in church.
I do go to church and I love and enjoy worshipping with the other saints :-)

Death: My cousin passes away

Death is never an easy thing to deal with. We watch movies everyday of people dying, we go to funerals every week, but when someone dies it hurts ever so much. I guess that has to do with the fact that every individual is unique and that when someone dies, its not so much about death but about the loss of a loved one. I believe that when Christ comes again we shall see our loved ones who have rested in the Lord again. But the thought that we continue on the journey without them is still painful. The memories shared, the places they used to occupy, the things we did and enjoyed together.... Death leaves a void in our lives.
We have hope in the Lord, for he says that All things work together for good to those who love the lord, to those who are called according to his purpose. Yes, Kabo Tuelo Gobela is no more but we know that the Lord who has the whole world has a plan for each and every one of us. Kabo had Muscular Dystrophy and we had been praying for a miracle for so long. We were still praying for a miracle when he passed away, God always answers prayers and I believe even in Kabo's death he has answered our prayers.

Still cannot believe that he is gone though, seems like yesterday when I saw him and talked to him.